He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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