I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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