i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
