i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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