You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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