I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My ATM looks so different sober.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
