This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
