if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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