If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
