I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
