was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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