Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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