You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
