dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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