I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
