just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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