Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
