You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
