i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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