The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
