I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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