I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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