I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
