I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
