I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
