I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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