you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
