How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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