I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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