On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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