oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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