So drunk its hurt
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
