i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
