she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
