He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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