I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Drunk is not a location!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
