you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
