I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
