you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
