I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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