I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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