I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
