does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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