I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
