My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize