where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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