the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
