They should really pass out barf bags in church
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
