Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He passed out mid-signature
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
