Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
