i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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