im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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