The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
