6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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