I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
