take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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