he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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