I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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