I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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