just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
