He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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