When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
